Kate Middleton

Duchess of Cambridge Kate Middleton will labour under the pressure to be the perfect mum

The Duchess of Cambridge will be under enormous pressure to produce the perfect baby and post-baby body. 

NOT for all the wealth in world would I swap places with the Duchess of Cambridge.

No amount of palaces, Emilia Wickstead dresses, bottles of Bollinger or nude pumps would persuade me to take on her life.

The pressure on any first-time mum is bad enough, for the sisterhood turns deadly serious when you start reproducing. Heaven forbid if you read the wrong baby book (Contented Baby: Bad, Baby-Led Weaning: Good), if you lose your baby weight too fast (post-natal stress, clearly), or not fast enough (lazy cake-eating sloth).

Your growing baby must sleep through the night in the fastest possible time or you're a sloppy mum. They must meet all milestones including rolling over, sitting up and standing at the right moment, and if you brandish anything containing a BPA you may as well move to the moon.

But the one area that really gets the mummy mafia mad is breastfeeding.

Make sure you goddamn do it, and don't even suggest the fact it might be difficult. Buying formula for babies under six months is like sourcing crack - it's there, but you really have to know who to ask.

Now multiply this pressure by a hundred million, and that's close to the scrutiny that Kate Middleton will have to put up with.

There have already been calls for the Duchess to breastfeed: "We need the Duchess of Cambridge to breastfeed" screamed a headline in Britain's The Daily Telegraph, with Beverley Turner writing, "We need women with power and influence to get their milky bosoms out and feed smiling in paparazzi pictures."

Turner is trying to combat statistics which show breastfeeding rates are falling in the UK - an admirable quest - but demanding that the poor Royal wops her boobs out to the world is going a bit far.

Why don't we just leave her to be a mum and enjoy it? I'm sure she'll figure it out her own way.

Cousin Lilian betting it's a girl

Wills and Kate will break with tradition

Comparing Kate's maternity fashion with Diana's

But that's not going to happen. In fact I predict that following the first photo of the happy couple and their bubbaroo outside the hospital (Kate wearing something suitably stylish despite the fact she'd rather be in leggings and Ugg boots), she'll then retire to her mum Carole's house, where she will hibernate inside for six weeks Victoria Beckham-style, before emerging in a chic new outfit, looking suitably skinny, much to the admiration of the dailymail.co.uk.

"Kate's back in skinny jeans!" "Duchess of Cambridge loses her baby weight in just three weeks!" the items will read, with a celebrity dietician revealing she did it by eating only beetroot and kale.

Vigorous debate will then ensue as to whether she lost the weight too fast, putting her health at risk and impacting her breast milk, or not fast enough, like mum-of-two Lily Cooper who went to Glastonbury last weekend in leggings, and immediately received a barrage of abusive forum comments under her photo including: "Who ate all the pies?"

We'll analyse the pram, the car seat, the toys she buys. We'll reveal where she bought the cute babygrow her little one's wearing, and then we'll read it sold out in 15 seconds. We'll analyse the name, although royal names like Victoria, Elizabeth, Henry and Charles do tend to create limited discussion compared to something like North West. Then we'll report on how many Elizabeths have been born in the past few months.

And after a blissful 18 months of beautiful baby pics and happy family snaps, we'll start asking when she's planning another one - articles appearing on the best age-gaps for families, why mums shouldn't leave it too long, and how only children turn out to be demonic.

As soon as she eats a muffin and her tummy sticks out, gossip magazines will circle her belly and confirm she's pregnant again at least a full six months before she actually is.

And the whole circus will begin again.

So good luck Kate, I wish you well. You're a braver woman than I.